The Stupid Things in Life Are Free

Boarding our cruise boat. I gotta get some dramamine in me. Great weather in long beach but I'm tired from a 530am wake up

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Woke up to this layer of fog this morning. Fog and trees always remind me of the Degobah System from Star Wars. The only small weird creature out there with me was my dog scout, no yoda.

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Yes, this is real.
No, the googly eyes did not come with the eggplant.
Yes, we ate it so it doesn't exist anymore.

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We're watching our nephew Xander this weekend and last night he said his prayers.  We laughed quietly the whole time and I tried to remember as much of it as I could.  Here it is:

“Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for lots of money so mommy can do lots of fun things.  Thank you for dinner so we can eat and get strong and stick like Spiderman, and we can get strong, and drink water.  Thank you for doing lots of fun things so I can sleep over at Josephine’s every day and mommy can do lots of fun things and amen.” 

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I took this picture in the parking lot of a gym, it wouldn't have intrigued any more than thinking, "Oh, here's a guy with a passion for black manly modes of transportation.  Weird."  BUT!  I saw the same truck with the same bullet bike in the bed at Thanksgiving Point golf course about 4 days earlier.  So now I'm thinking this guy is one of three things:

1) He is the real life Knight Rider that absolutely needs an off road vehicle AND a bullet bike handy at all times in order to keep us all safe from evil.
2) He is one of the coolest people I will never meet that is just aching for the chance to tie his show on the bumper of his black truck and say, "Huh? The what?  Oh!  Right.  Yeah, that's my black bullet bike that goes mach 27 and is fueled by testosterone" while a group of beautiful women walk by.
3) A motor vehicle enthusiast that hasn't been able to get a hold of a friend to help him get his new bike out of the back of his truck.  (please be the truth)

I have to admit that I took the picture quickly because I was afraid of two things:

1) While focusing on taking the picture I wouldn't have enough time to "paint the fence" style block the punch to my throat by Mr. Knight Rider for giggling while I took the picture.
2) People thinking I thought it was the coolest thing I've ever seen and had to take a picture of it before a rainbow came down and took it back to Amazingville. 

Okay, okay.  About 15-20% of this is based on jealousy.  Bullet bikes scare me, but I really do enjoy a good looking Tacoma. 

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Ugh, you found my post AND responded to it.  Even though I’m just welcoming a stern talking to from my wiser older brother about how stupid it is to peak into the world of whining mommy-bloggers and roll your eyes, even though the majority of my intelligence tells me not to dignify your reply with any form of rebuttal, and even though I’m no Patrick Swayze… let’s dance.

But first, a disclaimer of my own:  This response contains cutting comments that I would never make to a single person face-to-face.  Although they are directed at one person, please read them as directed to the entire world of people who use their blogs to make blanket statements of other cultures and complain. 

The original blogpost and my bait to the author:

http://www.becomingsomething.com/2009/09/north-america-im-just-not-that-into-you.html

“The fact that you stewed in anger over my post is hilarious and soooo American.”

This one is pure genius.  Let’s start with this, if you are critical of any group of people and put yourself on some magic pedestal above them because you’ve “seen the light” and they haven’t, you’re welcoming some sort of response.  When you do that with very little thought and use blanket statements like “blind arrogance” and “a giant insecurity complex” you’re asking for an aggressive response.  I responded, and your first line in your genius response was “that is soooo American.”  So, if you had targeted, oh I don’t know, the gay community in the same tone and same criticisms and one person responded by saying “that’s just stupid.”  Would your response be “That’s soooo gay.” 

I don’t consider myself all that patriotic but I almost started singing “Proud to be an American” when I realized that if growing up and living in this culture has provided me with just one personality trait that I don’t share in common with you then I just might start wearing red white and blue cowboy style dress shirts with a bald eagle bolo tie next 4^th of July. 

“Do the same thing to Canadians or the British and they will agree with you where they think you're right and want to discuss further.”

Does this really need to be examined?  That was cut and paste from your reply.  Yes, the reply that was angry and critical like mine and NOT an “I accept your differences in opinion and I agree with you on the following points of discussion…”  Where did your Canadian patience go on that one sweety?  Also, since you commented on my obviously exaggerated stats, I’ll go ahead and question how you can be so sure that all Canadians and all British would respond like that.  How many Benjamin Franklins do I need to hand to your bouncer to get to this magic pedestal of yours where I can contradict myself left and right and not be held accountable for it.

“Take me for example: I write for friends, my husband, and regular blog readers…”

I’m with Boats on this one, I totally apologize for not knowing that you only blog for your husband, some friends, and some regular readers.  On a completely unrelated note (yet somehow still in the same paragraph) how do I get that cool widget that shows how many people are following me on twitter and allows anyone to follow me instantly from my semi-private blog?  Also, how much is the TypePad service your advertising?  Or the tutus (or whatever) you were advertising yesterday?  Can I copy and paste your “Why I’m Mormon” page to mine because my wife and friends don’t know that I’m Mormon or why so I feel like I need to tell them via my website.  Blah.

And yes, if your regular readers care about your blogs, it isn’t fruitless.  Just because someone who doesn’t get it and responded with criticism somehow broke through the barriers around your target audience doesn’t mean no one cares.  It just meant I didn’t.  You’re broadcasting pretty loudly for someone who has no interest in and gets fired up over crap like this to somehow find your blog.  You need to learn how to ignore us or stop fueling our obvious desire to get a rise out of you by sharing our opinions.  Forget that fact that I didn’t post my response on your blog because I truly just wanted people I know to read it and my response.  If it got to you, fine.

“He's trained in Alberta law. That's it. He doesn't have any other marketable skills, either.”

Of all the rude things said in both of our stupid rants, this one deserves the blue ribbon.  If my wife told some stranger that my only marketable skill is my Star Wars trivia knowledge, I’d be offended.  Give your husband more credit than that, please.  If he’s a good enough human being to dedicate his life to law enforcement, I’m going to make the outrageous claim that he has the wherewithal to make a living doing a myriad of things.  If you honestly can’t add to your list of “My Husband’s Marketable Skills” then let me help.  I think I can say with great confidence that he is at least a very patient man.

Now the three paragraphs on Dooce, not to mention your follow-up post just to say, “So there!”

Your response escalated pretty quickly once Dooce was mentioned.  I hate to say I planned that, but the thought did cross my mind that it would be a sensitive area.  I agreed in my first post that I don’t think you’re anything like Dooce.  I meant to say that you’re trying to become the next Dooce.  No, no, no don’t use the “I’m only blogging for my pity party clique” line again, we looked at that.  Also, I can’t help but wonder if your follow up post wasn’t out of fear that Dooce would see our conversation and call down her mommy-blogger powers to destroy you.  That’s just a light hearted observation, I’m afraid of Dooce and Oprah for similar reasons. 

Quick note before you attack my masculinity.  I follow Dooce on Twitter because she has some funny posts and she’s a fellow Utahn.  I know about her through my wife who laughs endlessly at her posts and admires how well she writes. 

Now your THIRD post which officially put you on the highest amount of comments to one of my posts:

First off, a totally innocent question free of any sarcasm.  I noticed you write in Canadian English (colour, favour, and use the letter “s” where Americans would use “z” a lot), is part of that capitalizing words you are emphasizing?  “It’s called Being Articulate.”  Same thing is seen within your original post.  Again, that’s totally innocent, and I honestly just want to know. 

Now back to the fun, and I really hope we're having fun here because this is very far from serious for me. 

Although I applaud Boats and his comment on your post, I have to disagree that you had a “witty and playful banter” kind of discussion.  Of the many colorful comments both of you made (again I applaud Boats since he didn’t try to disguise it as anything but an angry criticism) your comment on his parent’s intellectual capacity was my favorite from you.  It certainly hit the mark of “playful banter” and stayed right on topic which at first I thought was the content quality of your post but apparently it was “My parents are smarter than yours.”

You played that whole “I only blog for husband and friends” card again in your “playful banter” with Boats.  You really need to drop that card.  It’s kind of like playing an actual poker game with someone and you pull the “how to play hearts” card out and yell “black jack!”  Your site screams “I want thousands of followers to love me!”  I won’t apologize for making the assumption that you’re not broadcasting yourself like he did.  Kudos to him for being that willing to extend an arm maturity, more kudos to him for everything in his reply after that apology. 

Your disclaimer

A disclaimer isn’t a crutch that relieves you of all accountability associated with the post.  Your relying on your disclaimer shows just a little more intelligence than saying, “No offense, but you’re a complete moron.”  It doesn’t work like that.  It does show that you understand that what you are about to say might be found offensive to some people.  It doesn’t give you a “get out of jail free ticket” when the people you offended let you know it and return the favor. 

“I'm not familiar with these American stereotypes. It's easy to be dismissive when exaggerating, huh?”

To bring it full circle, you gave me this little gem.  You’re not familiar enough with American culture to be familiar with the American stereotypes Boats listed off, but you are familiar enough with Americans and American culture to say, “That is soooo American” right?  Meh.

The End

Now I’m not such a big jerk that I honestly believe that in real life you are the same person on your blog.  I hope you believe that I’m not this big of a jerk to waste hours of time fighting with and picking apart a person’s blog I had no reason to read.  I responded because even though I know all of us act differently in this lame blogosphere, I think we need to be accountable for what we put out there.  Not only be accountable but think about who is going to read it and what response it might invite.  As I mentioned above, you’ve obviously done a good job blogging to have reached the computer of people like me and Boats whose lives would have been better not reading that post.  At that point you can either ignore us, fight with us, or keep in mind that your blog is reaching a wider group of people than your husband and friends and you should be careful how you portray your “honesty.”  You can be honest without making blanket statements on entire cultures and you can blog without having to deal with “jerks” like me. 

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