Takes All Kinds...

Part three of this bag of wind, the story. 

Yes, on the surface this is a pretty cheesy show. Kid moves to new school, likes a girl, gets bullied, goes into hiding, makes friends with an old Japanese guy, gets bullied, learns karate, wears a shower costume, and finally earns respect from others and self-respect by fighting back. Hundreds if not thousands of movies have followed the same pattern, including the shower costume. So what sets The Karate Kid apart from masterpieces like Airborne? 

(Yeah, that's right. I pulled this one out. It's The Karate Kid on rollerblades and hockey and Seth Green and Jack Black)

Cheesy Plot not Cheesy Characters

I'm going to keep using Airborne as a base comparison, but know that it represents the hundreds of movies that have been made that follow the same formula. 

The Karate Kid has cheesy moments, some cheesy lines, but the characters are well within the realm of reality. The "wackiest" character is Bobby Brown. No, not the "My Prerogative" smash hit Bobby Brown, "Put him in a body bag!" Bobby Brown. When you look at a show like Airborne, there's at least one, if not two "wacky" characters. Luckily for us the two in Airborne are played by our dear friends Seth Green and Jack Black. Seth Green plays the main characters nerdy cousin complete with a "what should I wear" montage of him changing into "hilarious" outfits only to be shut down by his cool surfer cousin. Jack Black plays one of the bad guys henchman that when told to "chill out, brah!" says, "Uh... did he just call me a piece of women's underwear?" 

The Karate Kid doesn't bow to the Hollywood necessity of the wacky character. Forget you Long Duck Dong, Cousin Eddie, 90% of the characters in any Adam Sandler movie, Jar Jar Binks, and Urkel just to name a few. Let's remember shows that tried to portray the teenage experience as it was. Maybe we made too much of unimportant events, but very few of us had tag-lines or token reaction shots when someone talked about boobies. 

Rely on the Ability of the Audience to Relate

The Karate Kid doesn't try to show you how cool someone or something could potentially be. It doesn't shove the California life down your throat with a series of stock photos of surfers and girls rollerskating down the boardwalk. It gives you a story and trusts that you'll be able to relate to it on some level. I've never taken karate, never tried out for the soccer team, never had to fight a bully, but I get the story of starting a new chapter in your life, learning the rules, and finding my place. 

Too many movies now rely on formulaic humor and writing. With just the right amount of swearing, nudity, and shocking statements about the difficulty of puberty a movie can get the green-light because studios know they can make it cheap enough that a trailer will get enough people in the theaters and make them a few million. Thanks to the studios for such gems as Hall Pass, Easy A, and any Wayan's brothers movie. 

The Personal Side

Last of all the story of The Karate Kid, more the movie itself, somehow has too many ties to my life. Being half-asian I was bound to be asked if I knew karate throughout my life. I was six in 1986, two years after the first Karate Kid movie came out and the year of the sequel. I had also moved to a new school to start first grade. As kids asked me if I knew karate, I fell for the stereotype a little myself and told them I'm only half japanese so I only knew a little. 

I grew up with a picture from The Karate Kid II in my house signed by Joey Miyashima, my mom's cousin. Joey was one of the bad guy's thugs in the movie and apparently the signed picture was valuable enough to put right next to our family pictures. I still talk to Joey every now and then and I think he's always thought it was funny that we had that picture up. Funny or not, i grew up with Ralph Maccio's anguished face as he's forced to watch the Miyagi dojo get torn to shreads stare at me every time I left my house. 

Last of all, as a half-japanese kid the science goes that my grandparents are 100% Japanese. Although they've been in American for multiple generations my jichan (grandpa) could hold his own with the most stalwart silently commanding respect type of japanese men in the world. The Karate Kid doesn't end at the crane kick for me, it ends when Daniel looks around for Mr. Miyagi only to find him a ways off quietly looking at him with pride.

My jichan passed away a little too early for all of us grandchildren to really get to know him. If heaven exists, I know my jichan will be there with the same look on his face letting me know that he is proud of the life I lived, no matter what that life was. 

My thanks to The Karate Kid for your signature soundtrack, your quirks, your story, and your odd role you've played in my life. 

The Quirks 

(Best Ira Glass impression possible) "In act two of this blog post... the quirks. For all it's timeless qualities and nostalgic nostalgia, The Karate Kid seems to be famous for something else. The little things that seem to dance on the line of silly and approachable. Who doesn't at least smile at the line, "I hate this bike, I hate this damn bike!" So, in act two, we'll look at those... quirks... and how they make The Karate Kid a great movie. From WBEZ in Chicago, this is a stupid blog."

"If do right... no can defend" said Mr. Miyagi. Nevermind that they proved that wrong in The Karate Kid II when the dreaded crane kick fails miserably*. Are we really supposed to believe that Johnny "Original Bieber" Lawrence wouldn't be able to do something against this? Doesn't the stance itself give away it's only weakness? Unless you're afraid of a mini-sissy kicks from his broken left leg or an awkward slap from his hands, there is really only one way this is going down. What does Johnny decide to? Slowly move in with his head forward and chin out? Two steps to the right and a punch to the kidney and it would have been My Cousin Steve and numerous appearances on USA network shows for Johnny instead of Daniel.

Right now, I don't care if you're in the middle of a meeting with important people in suits but killing time reading my blog because it's so awesome, stand up and do the karate kicks that Daniel is doing when he firsts tries to learn karate from a book. Now, tell me you're not smiling. Nonetheless, how stupid is it that he's trying to learn karate from a book and stuck on the chapter "How to Kick Awkwardly" under the section "Now Do That 100 Times and You Should Be Good."

Daniel and his new "friends" (quotes explained in the next paragraph) play soccer on the beach like a bunch of four year olds set loose on a soccer ball for the first time. They are actually circled around the ball shuffle kicking at the ball in the center when Daniel first makes gooey eyes at Ali. 

I know Daniel is the new guy and you didn't grow up with him playing G.I. Joes, hopping fences, and scraping your knees but I'd like to think that if I was at a radical beach party with my friends and one of them brings a new guy that fits in with our lower-income social status at school and that new kid, that I can relate to and seems like an okay guy, gets to a level of flirtation with a head cheerleader "hills" girl that neither me or any of my friends would ever dare dream possible simply by bouncing a ball of his knee and has thus more than likely garnered a certain amount of respect and admiration in my eyes but then gets beat up to near unconsciousness... breath... I'd like to think I wouldn't say, "Just leave him, he's done (laugh)" with the follow-up sarcastic comment the next day at school, "Oh hey! it's the karate kid! Show us your moves Daniel!" I think I would be more on the side of "Whoa man, that sucked! Yeah, that's Johnny and he hates it when people pick up stereos. Should have given you fair warning but it's such an obscure thing to get mad about, I just didn't see it happening and then all of a sudden he's duping you like a matador in a bull fight and the rest is history. Anyway, what period do you have English? Oh, cool. Mr. Warbley is pretty cool. Have you played Life Force on Nintendo? Yeah, I know, exactly like Contra. Totally unbeatable without the extra lives." And so on. 

Is Johnny really such a jerk that he and his friends think it's funny to force a kid on a bike down a hill that has no ending other than tumbling down the hill and breaking things? I really hope one of them said, "Oh man! I totally didn't think you were going to do that! I mean, yeah we have awesome dirt bikes and he's on a BMX and he's the new kid and social mores dictate we cover our own insecurities by making him prove he's cool instead of just assuming it, but that got way out of hand! I lost track at like four cartwheels and two snaps that I'm sure where bones. I know we don't believe in mercy, fear, and pain but that kid is probably messed up yo!"

On Daniel's birthday he says this to himself, "Okay. Going to pick up Ali at the country club tonight. What to wear, what to wear? Wait a minute, got it. White pants, white shirt, and a red jacket. I'm willing to bet spaghetti won't be on the menu just in case something happens and I get my all white outfit stained and my mom kills me." Furthermore, would a room full of people really just point and laugh at an awkward teenager that just fell and is now covered with spaghetti? I've never been a member of a country club, but come on. 

Johnny: "You're alright Laruso!"

Daniel: "Thanks" (takes trophy)

Really?! I know Miyagi taught Daniel some life-changing things but Johnny and his friends just spent a year making Daniel's life a living hell. They beat him up in front of his new friends, got him kicked out of soccer tryouts (which he was obviously awesome at judging by his ability to juggle a ball four times on his knees), forced him to crash down a hill on his bike, forced him into social seclusion where his only friend was an old Japanese guy that fixes toilets, beat him to the point of near unconsciousness then picked up his limp body in order to deal a deathblow flying jump kick, and it's "You're alright, Laruso!" everything is water under the bridge? 

Shouldn't the conversation have gone more like this: 

Johnny: "You're alright, Laruso!"

Daniel: "What's that? I'm 'alright?' I just learned karate for a year so that I could systematically beat down you and all of your friends in a controlled environment in hopes that it would stop you from making my life a living hell! Lawyer up Lawrence! I will end you! But seriously, thanks for the handing me the trophy. I'm really busy getting hoisted up by everyone here that just watched me beat you with a karate move I'm pretty sure the ol' man made up just to look cool and oh yeah, you just broke my knee so it would have been hard to walk over and get it."

Miyagi: (Grunts and then shoves his fist into Johnny's chest and pulls out his still-beating heart)

and scene...

Yes, there may have been some MPAA ratings issues but I think the crowd would have been a lot more accepting of that ending. 

All in all, those quirks make this movie timeless. How many times, even if you absolutely hate it when someone does it now, have you done the crane kick? Or "wax on, wax off"? Or honestly believed as a kid that you just couldn't rub your hands together fast enough to heal any injury like Mr. Miyagi could? Those are just the easy ones, there are plenty of other lines, life lessons ("squished like grape" anyone?), and scenes that make up who I am. Yes, that's sad and my life is very loosely based in reality and it scares me sometimes but compare those takeaways with Rocky. It basically has the "Yo Adrienne!" and the run-up-some-stairs-and-raise-your-hands-up thing. Anyway, back to my Ira Glass impression...

"Act three... the story. Picture this. You're a 1980's film producer and you just can't take another summer camp high-jinxs movie. What to do. In this act, we'll look at the foundational base of the movie. The story of a perfectly average and normal teenager trying to learn the rules of being just that... a teenager."

*Yeah, I know Chozen totally did a head fake and technically Daniel didn't do the crane kick right since he was duped. But then, what is the right way to do the crane kick? Take that on a philosophical level and let it blow your mind. 

 

"The Karate Kid, and thanks!" is my quick answer to the question, "What is your favorite movie? You brilliant genius." I know I'm not the only one out there with a love for The Karate Kid but I like to think I'm a purist. Not the guy that does the crane kick whenever a physical representation of hilarious karate is required in a social situation. Not the guy that says, "Oh yeah! I love that movie! 'Put him in the body bag' right? Yes! Love it! High fivers?!" And for sure not the guy that does the rub-two-hands-together-to-magically-heal-anything thing.

I'm the guy that knows that when the Kobra Kai fall after Ali trips them at the Halloween dance there is a dubbed-in cartoon skeleton-bones-dropping-to-the-ground sound. I'm the guy that knows that Daniel gets way too into his first kiss with Ali and that it's even creepier knowing that Ralph Maccio was actually 22 years old when they filmed The Karate Kid. 

There's a few reasons why this movie will always have a spot in American Film montages and my heart though. Turns out I uncovered something special in my heart and mind so this blog post will come in three parts. 

The Soundtrack

Did you know that Joe Esposito's "You're the Best" was originally written for Rocky III but Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" was appropriately chosen in it's place? Does that mean The Karate Kid took Rocky III's sloppy seconds? Only in the sense that America is made up of the Great Britain's sloppy seconds. Some things just belong somewhere else and by so doing change the course of history and films made 1982 to 1984. Just try to watch this clip and not end up punching someone you hate in the neck, quitting the job you hate and pursuing your dance career, calling that girl you once met and have since convinced yourself was only being nice when she gave you her number written on a napkin with her own blood because she didn't have any other writing implement, or just feel good. Whatever. Point is it holds a commanding second place to that one song on that one Rocky boxing moving picture show. 

Let's not forget about "Cruel Summer" by Banarama! You can find this song on any Time Life classic 80's collections infomercial at 3am but not on the official The Karate Kid soundtrack. I hate Columbia picture for that, passionately. But that shouldn't takeaway from the fact that it is one of the most appropriately placed and catchy songs in all of 1984's movies.

Yeah, I'm talking about Daniel riding his Miyagi Turbo BMX bike to school the day after getting his ass handed to him on the beach via a classic Kobra-Kai-totally-uncalled-for beat-down and using the old "I hit a curb and the curb hit me" routine with his mom, morning of. He's still on his feet, fresh and anew, ready to start school in this foreign world of California. 

Other gems on The Karate Kid soundtrack

"The Moment of Truth" by Survivor (yeah, weird huh?)

"Young Hearts" by Commuter (Golf 'N Stuff scene)

"Rhythm Man" by St. Regis (Golf 'N Stuff scene)

"Feel the Night" by Baster Robertson (Golf 'N Stuff scene)

"No Shelter" by Broken Edge (Halloween chase scene)

So, yeah. 

I guess that does it for now. Stay tuned for part two "The Quirks". Until then, gnaw on this little gem I found while looking for pictures for this post. 

Editor of GQ: "NO! I need Ralph F-ing Maccio in a karate head bandy thing and camo pants! I don't care what Magnum PI's availability window is. Karate Kid!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Even though I've lived most of my life within 20 minutes driving time to the Salt Lake LDS temple I think I've been there for the Christmas lights only a handful of times. It was packed and stopping to take a weird angled picture was difficult without getting hit in the shin or back of the achilles with a stroller or get swept up in the crowd. Luckily I'm only half-asian and my Danish genes aloud me to reach over the top of the masses and take pictures without having everybody stop.

However, I think the half-asian thing also tipped off the Temple Square missionaries. Asian looking guy, taking a lot of pictures, seemingly alone (Molly and her family were speed walking through it), and somewhat approachable... must say hi and try to start a conversation. Sorry Sisters, I didn't mean to have an awkward back and forth of cordial pleasantries and then bolt. I just didn't want to lose track of my family and end up crying alone huddled up near an entrance to the Tabernacle begging for sanctuary.

All in all it was a good time, not too cold,ample parking only three blocks from the lights, and I had fun applying iPhone photo app filters and effects to my pictures. Here's the highlights...

 

Sent from my iPhone

I've never had dry-aged beef, I've only stared at it longingly as I pass by it with "normal" food in my cart. Today in Utah there is a blizzard coming through. Universities closed early, grocery stores were packed, and you can't find a propane space heater in the entire valley. Molly asked me to go to the grocery store for some pie stuff for Thanksgiving and asked me to get something for dinner. One plus one equals me standing up against the hubabuloo about this blizzard and enjoying one of the best pieces of meat I have ever eaten. Bring it on blizzard. I'll continue to enjoy the memory of that dry-aged beef in the dark, in the cold, and as I sleep soundly through your assault on my house.